There’s something about witnessing new life come into this world that really puts your thoughts into perspective. Mainly: WHAT on EARTH am I doing with myself? Is this all there is? Is this NOT all there is? Does it get better or is it just varying degrees of sameness? Or could it, heaven forbid, get worse? Does it even matter, really?
Is it really worth thinking about?
I think that last question is the one I’m choosing to focus on. Is it really worth thinking about? The headaches, the over thinking, the emotions of it all. I’m exhausted. Physically and emotionally. And while I think the answer is “No, it isn’t worth thinking about” it’s helped me arrive to something I can identity that I think is worth thinking about.
All I want is settle into a life with someone I find great joy in, have a job that I find meaning in, and have the flexibility to travel and get outdoors whenever possible.
I think that will be more than enough.
I had intended to write an incredibly thoughtful piece this morning but I’m feeling…things. Everything. Nothing. Sadness, mostly. And I came across the lovely Meg’s post which seems to take everything I’m feeling and has eloquently strung the words together in a way that my jumbled, saddened mind has not been able to handle. So, here it is:
I’m feeling a little bit sad this morning.
But in that way that is mostly sweet.
Like I’m just about to turn a corner and my body already knows and it’s scary and good but ripe with loss.
Because once that corner is turned, it cannot be unturned.
Like I’m shuffling towards something really important, but don’t yet know what it is.
And I don’t yet know if it’ll be enough.
And that makes me a little sad.
But good sad.
Because I think it might be.
And so I lick my lips and taste my own sadness and give thanks for its peculiar flavor.
I’ve moved into a new home, in this city that saw me grow up. This town has seen me be child, moody adolescent, young adult, in love, heartbroken.
This city has transformed alongside me. My neighborhood is a place I didn’t ever spend much time growing up, because there wasn’t a reason to. Now there’s great restaurants, art galleries, a coffee shop, a neighbor giving away free plants to start your own garden. My friends are different as are my interests. Overall I’m completely different, though I feel the same.
Change is a funny thing. It sometimes goes so slowly you barely notice it at all until one day you say and feel things you’d never thought before.
I’ve been noticing this change coming for a long time – like a slow burn. I knew it was there and I had to struggle through a lot of unhappiness and weird emotional states and altogether a rather unpleasant personality (sorry, loved ones) but I’m finally rounding that corner. I feel happy again. And I haven’t been able to say that for quite some time.
This stage of my life has been odd and I think this new move to a brightly colored one bedroom is a sweet goodbye to that piece of my journey.
Although I’m still searching for my meaning of home, and searching for where that really is for me, I’m happy. Not where I thought I would be. But where I am.
“I’ll give you one more time
We’ll give you one more fight
Said one more line
Be a riot, cause I know you.”
“Everything you want is on the other side of fear.”
“I am learning every day to allow the space between where I am and where I want to be to inspire me and not terrify me.” | Tracee Ellis Ross
“Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing.” | Elizabeth Gilbert
Something that’s been on my mind a lot recently is the idea of change – the idea of progression in a life. The ways in which our experiences shape the person we were, the person we are, the person we’re becoming. I’m trying to be very conscious of that as it happens now, at this particular moment in my life. Trying to make note of it and fully experience the changes as they occur. I can see the shapes starting to take place and am looking forward to seeing where I settle.
There’s this quote I saw floating around the internet somewhere: “We lose ourselves in the things we love. We find ourselves there, too.” I’m starting to both lose and find myself in that very space and I’m excited to see what happens.
Have a happy weekend.
I haven’t felt much like sharing recently – a lot of the stuff I’m feeling is a little too fresh, much too much “in the moment” for me to write clearly or objectively about anything. So, while I process all of that, enjoy this cover by ASTR. It’s pretty fantastic.
Absolutely everything about this Kylie song.